Despite it being Saturday, I have done SO MUCH STUFF and have dealt with SO much emotional turmoil, I am exhausted and need like a week off - can't bear thinking that I have school again this week. This morning, ordered the tickets, then didn't have time to go to the market, but did go jogging with Chris. I was in a great mood - had actually put on techno music really really loud and danced around and jumped around to the music alone in my apartment. It was just good to do that. Went jogging right after, and although I ran out of steam in the last few minutes of running, was very proud that (a) I ran for nearly the whole time given that I had done dancing and jumping around for a half hour before hand (like doing an aerobics session before), and that (b) we had run much faster than previously, which is more work. Walked back towards the office with Chris, and then parted.
Went out to lunch with Brad because I knew he needed to talk and wanted to get him out of the office to do so. It was good, I think, I treated him to lunch at a vietnamese restaurant, and ice cream afterwards. I think he realized that all the crap that he's had to put up with in the past while is not worth him giving up the work that he loves and the office mates that he gets to work with. Also we've made plans to start playing racketball together - very excited about this. After that we got back to the office around 3 pm and worked on office stuff for Friday until nearly 8 pm. I called Chris to see how the rest of his day went, and he told me that he needed to talk to me, and if he could pick me up to go to a coffee house or something. I said yes, but felt dread. That's the kind of request for a meeting you get when someone is trying/going to break up with you. Brad drove me home (despite the fact that I live 3 minutes walking from the office) and offered me some advice, which was good and very nice of him. He's a really good guy, glad that he's my friend.
So went home, freshened up, got somewhat pretty (out of my jogging clothes anyways), and went down to meet Chris. Got to talk with Wendy for like 1 minute on my cell before Chris arived. She offered me advice too and was so supportive. The kids are just great. Anyhow, Chris got there, had to let her go, and he was being all gentlemanly like which made me even more preturbed. We parked the car, got to the coffee place, and he said "I need to slow things down". Yes. Again. I'll spare you guys the 5 hour long conversation, which, thank god, we moved OUT of a public place (Boys, NEVER EVER EVER breakup with a girl in public - if she wants to cry or get mad, she should get to do so where she won't feel like she's bothering others, and she won't feel self-conscious about it) and back to my house.
I think the results are as follows:
1) He's not ready for the level of physical closeness we've been sharing - he feels that it isn't right for him to be involved in that level of activity without being there emotionally and familiarity-y. He needs comitment before being okay with certain things physically.
2) I'm comfortable with the physical, and don't necessarily tie it to comitment. I, rather find commitment and closeness through familiarity and emotion sharing.
3) We're both at about the same level of commitment. Good thing.
4) We're approaching it from opposite directions, which is not a bad thing - I will dearly miss sex, and moreover sleeping with him while we "cut down" on the physical aspects of our relationship - and this will be hard, not that it's cut out all together, but rather limited in frequency - because that is one of the ways that I feel I can culminate the closeness feeling I get from emotional and familiarty getting to know each other.
5) He doesn't know what he wants in life or in a relationship that he'd be okay with for mariage, which is okay ONLY because he's actively searching for the answers to these things, and not stagnating in the meanwhile (which was the major problem with Mike).
6) He realized that I am "growing" (accompanied by a circular right arm movement - a Brad-ism), and that some of the things that I seem firm and unflexible on (which he's not comfortable with) may change with time - I can only deal with so many new challenges at a time. I have changed and grown a lot over the last three years, and am continuing to do so - something have taken up the three years, some are complete (for now?), others are just starting to change, and more are not yet tackled - may never be tackled. I don't know, and I'm okay with that, and the growing too.
7) We need to talk, and only through talking yesterday and today, and me being rather fatalistic and letting it all get out there because I thought it was over, have we come to realize that we are not in fact at different stages of commitment in our relationship, but as in point 4, just approaching it from different sides. Despite this, things are going to slow down a bit.
8) I need more time and situations where I can learn to deal with this relationship as an "in the same city" relationship - it will be hard, but the comfort I can gain from this in the end, and the perks to being in the same city are great, so it will be well worth it.
9) "Slowing things down" does not mean spending less time together - something I was very concerned about - in fact Chris said that he'd like to spend more time just doing friendly stuff and getting to know ME better. Still not going to sleep together as often - which is really sad, but I respect that, and will try to deal to strengthen our relationship.
10) If these things aren't taken care of, our whole relationship could sprial out of control in terms of Chris' comfort level - he said he'd feel pinned into a corner within a few months if things proceeded as they did, and that we'd break up and it would be a 'bad' breakup (i.e. we wouldn't be friends) Mind you I don't really get 'good break ups' - never had one that I could genuinly say worked, nor do I understand other people's "good break ups" - but that's just previous experience. I don't know that I have much faith in working towards staying friends AFTER, but I am willing to invest time and effort into keeping our relationship alive.
11) lots more little bits, not very important at this time - focus is mostly on, as said above, keeping our relationship alive.
I don't like that it is taking so much work, and that I have to give up something I enjoy so much to keep this thing going, but I know that this is a mature, and reasonable way of dealing with this - and given that I'm only one half of "us" I need to be one of the people to bend if bending is needed (Chris is too, trying to give me time to deal with this new type of relationship, understanding my growing, and most importantly, dealing with me when I go berzerk - like yesterday, and that's a lot of work on his part too).
Okay, so I think things are alright right now. And hopefully we will be able to get to a comfort level where sleeping with each other will happen often again - damn, this REALLY REALLY is important to me (!?!!!)
Argh. Okay. I am going to bed now - must wake up early for Hockey game prep (need to buy snacky food for the kids) and would really really like to get SOME school work done.
posted by traxis @ 10:27 a.m.
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