Tuesday shopping was great, bought the big red purse from LeChateau that I've been lusting after, it was actually on sale from 35$ to 25$, and I had a 10$ gift certificate from my rewards program. So the big red purse only cost me 16$! Yippee! Shopped around for a humidifier with Chris at a bunch of other big box stores, it was a good time. Tried a vanilla coke at a dinner thing in WEM, it was okay, but I still don't like colas. Yucky unnatural flavours.
He made me dinner afterwards at his place, hung out with his roommate for a while then we went to bed. I drummed up the nerve/stupidity to ask him the question I've been kinda obsessing about for a while... the whole him getting a new appartment/part of a house/house, and trying to find a new roommate. I finally hid under the covers and asked "have you considered being my roommate?" to which he said he's thought about it, but felt it was too soon. I said I knew that that would be his answer, and that was okay by me, but I thought it would have been fun. He agreed, and then stupid him, he said that he's lived with someone he was going out with before... they were friends, a bunch of kids living in a house during a summer work term for the government in northern Ontario, and he only started going out with her 2 months into the summer... didn't know that. That's also the girl that is here now, and that he sees for coffee or lunch every once in a while. I'm SO not comfortable with that... I know that I'm the best girlfriend he's ever had, he keeps telling me so, but it BUGS me A LOT that I still have what I perceive to be "competition" out there.... I think this is the same girl that he first had sex with... I know it means nothing to him now, especially since he's so very happy with me. I don't know. Everytime I mention anything where I sound jealous (and I am a VERY jealous person) he gets very defensive and says "well I'm going to have friends that are girls, and I'm going to have to dance with other people at ballroom dancing classes/socials, etc" and I get even more frustrated. I know that I'm pretty extreme when it comes to jealousy... and I have nothing to worry about in terms of him potentially cheating on me (actually I'm the one who has historically cheated in relationships, including this one, but I don't count this one since we weren't official, at least in my eyes at the time...) and I know that Chris is as close as I'm going to get to the "standards" that I'm looking for in a guy my age (i.e. relatively little sexual experience, no major previous committments ie. live in girlfriends or fiances, etc., and drug-free) not that those are set in stone, but they are definitely more comfortable for me. I in fact really like that I have more experience than him, and that whenever we do something new in bed, that I'm the first person that he's done this with. I love that, really. But god I dunno, it's still hard for me to get used to not being jealous. I hope he is at least interpretting some of it in the positive sense - that I care so much about him that I don't want to share him or risk loosing him... but I know that I'm just going to frustrate myself and create situations to be upset about even when nothing is there to upset me really. I have tried to keep thinking that 1) he's as close as I'm going to get to my standards, at this point in my life, and 2) that he is incredibly devoted to me, and finally 3) that he is taking very good care of me and the relationship so I don't have to worry so much. In addition, I get to see him so much more and spend so much more time than I have with any previous boyfriend that I should be more confident in our relationship. I don't have to worry about loosing my share of time with him either.
Yes, I know, this is getting psychotherapeutic.
Oh god, I don't feel to good... I am really tired from running and the pizza I had with Neil hasn't made me feel better. I think I have to go home now. I'll cover the rest of my day tomorrow.
posted by traxis @ 7:16 p.m.
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