I feel guilty about everything - not doing my school work, not doing work work, not doing house work, not pursuing normal job possibilities, not saving my money, not watching what I eat, not excercising regularly, not scratching where I've got eczema. I am sort of doing some of each of these things, but there is absolutely nothing that I am passionate about.
I hate being at work all day and doing blah blah work not talking to anyone, feeling more and more ostracized by the fact that I don't join the other workers for lunch, but I don't want to be at the office during my hour off - I'd rather be anywhere else. The more this happens, the worse both feelings get. I end up losing out on one situation or the other - no matter which I actually choose for lunch time, the fact that I'm messing up somewhere else really gets at me.
I want to be good and go excercise and stuff, but like I was trying to tell Chris yesterday, I have to start getting up to go to work at like 7 or 7:30 am, actually go to work, come home, and by that time it's like 5 pm at the earliest. I haven't done anything fun all day (except lunch - where I'm feeling guilty about one thing or the other, and goofing off at work - where I obviously feel bad about not doing work [however the work isn't enough to keep me as busy as they've booked for me] and not as obvious, I feel bad because I'm goofing off doing blogging or surfing instead of say, working on my thesis or applying for jobs or something when goofing off from real work). So like 10 hours of my day have been zapped, then I need to have dinner, right, so that's another hour. If we have plans to go out or do something with friends, which is most nights, the rest of the day is shot. If I am to do any house chores, such as gardening, cleaning, or running errands, then, again, the rest of the day is shot. I end up having to get to bed at around midnight or else I'm tired for the next day when the whole thing starts again.
So - now I feel guilty when I'm doing good stuff like chores or going to excersize or get to bed early, because I'm not doing other things. What the hell can I do?
Like yesterday.
I got up at 7, had a shower, packed my lunch, put away my clothes, did the dishes, got to the 8 am bus, which then proceeded to break down, forcing me to walk across a dew mushy field in my new heals. Got to work late because the bus we transfered to was overloaded. Did work work for most of the day, having the left-over kettle popcorn, and then breakfast (cheese omlette, potatoes, toast, OJ) while working. Actually accomplished a great deal, interspursed with phone calls to friends, e-mails and surfing to break the monotony. Set up an interview for a possible crazy job for myself for this afternoon, went to get a hair cut at lunch, came back to work a bit late, had my packed lunch while working. "Finished" work at 4:30, walked to the bus with all my heavy stuff (need to bring my laptop in for work because the office computer doesn't support the sort of software I need to do the projects here). Got on the bus at around 4:50, got home at like 5:10 pm, then had dinner, did more laundry, went to see "Butterfly Effect" with the CS kids, then went to play an hour of tennis with Chris - my hand split and my shitty racket's handle bled ink into my cut (stupid eczema) which I then spent like 30 minutes trying to clean out, then watched some tv before getting ready for bed at around 11:30 pm.
And that is typical.
So I just found out my afternoon meeting has been rescheduled to tomorrow, which is okay. I won't be wearing my other new shoes - the slingbacks don't feel secure enough for me. Chris is going to join me for lunch in about 2.5 hours, which will be nice. I'm starving now, so I think I'll go pig out at McD's and do thesis work - afterall, I'm still way ahead of schedule on my work project and haven't gotten new direction on what to do next. So I can feel guilty, but I'll get work done at the same time too.
So stupid.
posted by traxis @ 7:58 a.m.
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