traxis on the run

Hmmm.
I don't want to write this.

Wednesday when we went to see the house, everything was hunky dorey. We gave them a post-dated cheque for the deposit, and would have signed the lease if the lady had brought one. We took measurements and pictures of the place... and I thought all was in the bag. Afterwards, however, Chris and I had a long discussion/argument about the fact that he wants to install a wall in the bedroom so that he can have his own space. Obviously, I wasn't thrilled about the idea of seperating our spaces, but the permanency and solidness of an actual wall made me very upset and hurt...I couldn't help but consider it a metaphor for something in our relationship.
Anyways, we went to dance class, learned the Viennese waltz, which was good, then he dropped me off at school so I could meet with my supervisor. I stayed there until 11:30 pm, rather exhausted, and got a drive home. I called Chris to let him know how it went, but I really wanted to talk to him about my feelings over the wall. What started off as a conversation fell into blubbering crying on my part, and so Chris came over to talk with me in person.
He and I talked until like 3 am, about what the wall meant (he needs his personal space) and how we would live around each other. He finally told me that he was having doubts as to whether this whole thing, and maybe he wasn't ready for living together in a house. The next morning, we continued our conversation, and he basically told me that he wasn't read afterall and that he had probably gotten too excited over the prospect of living with me and not have thought it out completely beforehand. It was a mess. I was so mad, because we had been so ready, or so I thought, had the lady had the lease, we wouldn't be in this situation. If I hadn't been upset about the wall, maybe he wouldn't have felt so unsure. He felt so bad for having done this, and I wanted to comfort him, but it was weird because that meant that I was telling him it was okay to have "led" me on about living together.
Unfortunately, before we could figure it out (which would have taken hours more), we had to put on our business personas and get office work done. I tried to focus on other things, but it was impossible. I wanted to be so mad at him, even hurt him, but not. After a while doing seperate work, and being rather standoffish, I saw that he needed help for the social event in the evening, so I went and helped him. I know he appreciated it, and it was good to not deal with the problem and just enjoy his company for a while.
The social was terrible.. it was hot, and the kids didn't help much at all - Brad didn't help one iotta. Bastard. I guess the people who did go did enjoy it, but it was poorly attended, and I get the sense that all our projects will be forced to deal with the ridiculous appathy that we've already seen this year. I dunno. We're trying to do our jobs and so many things try to prevent us from doing them, or doing them well, or enjoy the process.
After we cleaned up, I was exhausted. Went home, had a shower, and changed. I lay on my bed and listened to music, trying to grasp what was going on. About an hour later, Chris arrived and at first we just talked positive things, which was nice, but then it was impossible to not discuss the house, and other things ensued too. It was a huge mess again, I wanted to help Chris, and he had told me so many things he hadn't before that I wish he had, things where I could have helped him out, and other things that made me feel so special. However, there was also the fact that I so wanted to try and persuade him to stay in the original plan to get the house, try to convince him, hell, even argue dirty with him. I know I could have done that but I didn't. It was really really difficult. I was still so mad about the house, and we had talked about other things which I feel really strongly about - and that confused me even more. I know this is vague, but it would take forever to explain it more accurately.
I didn't sleep at all last night, and I only slept a bit this morning after Chris left. I think I'm starting to be okay with the idea that we won't be getting that house (or any house), I just feel so sad about missing out on so many things I was looking forward to, I am still upset at him for giving me all "go" signals when that's obviously not what he felt, and I'm freaked out about what I'm going to tell everyone, including my parents, and what I'm going to do about living arangements for the year. I am comforted by the fact that he knows all this, and that at least this is happening for "good" reasons (being more sure about our relationship before going ahead), and that out of this I found out some really great things about us, and had Chris open up to me too. I think I also "got my way" about an issue that has really bothered me in the past, although that is a small "victory" compared to what could have been.
I'm just exhausted now. I am so drained emotionally. I don't think I've cried so much or had to support someone so much as I have in the last 36 hours. I don't know - I feel I should be more upset, but I think I'm still hoping he will change his mind or something will happen to make him realise that we are ready for that step.

posted by traxis @ 10:03 a.m.