It's back on.
After a weekend and a bit of rather tumultuous discussions, lots of tears and plenty of sharing, Chris and I will be living together again. It took a long time for us to get here, more me trying to adjust to the possibility of it not happening, and him thinking of how he could be ready for it, but we've come to an agreement. We're going to sign the lease tomorrow.
I am really happy, and I feel at peace with the decision, I'm still a little bit nervous, but hey, that's normal. I am just so exhausted because I've spent the last few days worrying and trying to be persuasive but not being persuasive, because that would be bad, and feeling hurt but trying to be understanding and all this other stuff that has put me through a huge emotional rollercoaster.
Anyways.
It's settled.
I will feel even better tomorrow.
As for the other parts of the weekend, Friday night we had our golf lesson, we went out for a nice dinner beforehand at this restaurant that's also a microbrewery. The lesson went great, the instructor was nice and understanding, supportive and willing to go over things over and over again. I learned a lot from it, and noticed an improvement right away. After golfing we went to the big mall and watched a movie Van Wilder which was pretty hillarious but in a stupid way. It was less crass than I thought it would be, and given some of the scenes in that movie (one of which made me dry heave) I guess my expectations were a little extreme. It was a really nice night, but I guess it was a little bittersweet because I felt awful and sad at the same time... still tried to enjoy the night. an I did, a lot, but it was fragile.
Saturday I felt worse. I finally slept, but I was still all emotional and a mess. A countdown was going on in my head regarding a final decision deadline, and if I wanted to do anything I'd have to do it now... argh. I felt like a bratty kid trying to get her way. Anyways, we ran errands, went to a car wrecker to get a part for the windsheild washer system (which was lots of fun actually! sort of like a treasure hunt), and then hung out at Chris' because it was hot and threathening to rain. He made a really nice dinner, and then we watched Raising Arizona while snacking on frozen juice boxes.
Today, we woke up (from my place) and I felt so sad, because it was kind of the last chance we had to change our minds. I started pulling out the dirty tricks, but announced them as such at the same time, I think it was better that way. I know I wasn't going to trick Chris into making a decision he wasn't comfortable with, but I couldn't help but feel wrong about doing this. Anyhow, he felt bad too, and said he needed some time alone to think about it. Of course that got my hopes up, but I tried not to get carried away with it. He left to go home, I cleaned up a bit, then went to the coffee shop for breakfast. I walked all the way down to the market and it was nice, because it was breezy, not too warm, and there was an art-on-the-street expo going on. I was feeling all bad for myself when I saw this kid looking really malnurished with a sign asking for money for food and shelter. I haven't done this in a long time, but I went in to a store, got him an orange juice and a muffin, then went out to talk with the kid and offered him the food. He was happy. That put everything into perspective for me, and you know, I felt better after doing that then I would have felt spending ten times more on a new dress or any type of treat. It was good, it was right, and it was kind. That's what's important, not getting to live with your boyfriend and being all sulky when you don't get your way.
With this in mind, I kept walking to finish my outing, and was about to head to the grocers when Chris called on my cell. He picked me up a few minutes later, and we went to talk in a park. He told me all these things that he'd been thinking about and told me that he was ready to share a house with me afterall. I was thrilled, of course, but worried that I had influenced his judgement on the issue... if he wanted to live with me, I wanted him to do it because he wanted to, not because I'm a good debater. He assured me that that wasn't the case. We celebrated by checking out the train caboose on display at the park.
We then went to the grocers and I got tons of food for dinner (rosemary rack of lamb in a Cabernet Sauvignon reduction, roasted garlic mashed potatoes, grilled asparagus, fillo covered baked brie with a lingonberry sauce, Italian salad, then cherry and berry pie for desert). The pie was the only miss... forgot to add a binding agent to the filling. Oh well. In the middle of dinner, my friend Tamsen called with the news that she was getting engaged. Yes, the Tamsen from Grant and Tamsen. Engaged. All these ridiculous speedy commitments of theirs seem rather artificial from my point of view... I hope I'm wrong, but it just seems WAY too fast... like they're trying to make up for something (the Wendy-bitch incident???) I dunno.
We both did really well at golf (and at other things!) so I'm enjoying playing more. We only did 9 holes so it wasn't exhausting... I would have died if we'd had tried all 18.
After that, we came back here, cleaned up a bit, I did some laundry, then we watched October Sky which was really good, and now I'm about to crash since this is the first time I feel confident and secure in a while. SO TIRED.
posted by traxis @ 12:56 a.m.
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